My Secret - Pain: Jenny’s Story
January 15th, 2009The following are Jenny’s unedited notes from which she told her story to Junior High and High School iLife this week.
My Secret Pain by Jenny Conlee
I had a secret for a long time. I didn’t tell a soul. I had a physical deformity. When I went through those “changes” that everyone tells you is going to happen, my breasts did not develop properly. This isn’t just a case of asymmetry. I was misshapen, severely disfigured. There was nothing normal about how I looked. I was about 15 years old when I realized that I didn’t look the way you’re supposed to look and that my condition was not improving. I hoped that things would get better, but really, they just seemed to get worse.
Not even my family knew. I bet you’re wondering, how could I have something seriously wrong with me and my family not even notice? Well, first off let me explain about my family. We take modestly to a WHOLE NEW level. We don’t like naked people and we don’t like being naked. We don’t undress in front of each other, never have and never will. So, it’s not like they would have noticed! I never gave the opportunity TO notice! Secondly, I hid my deformity VERY well. I found clothing to help disguise it. I wore layers. I found creative ways to hide it.
Maybe for some of you, none of this sounds like a big deal, but I lived in shame. I lived in the agony of isolation & self-pity. I lived in the knowledge that I would never be attractive to man, or that someone could ever love and accept me. Without love, I could forget about marriage, which for me also meant never having children. Who on earth could possibly want me? I was not normal. I would always be alone. I had NO hope. Pain in my heart drove out hope. Fear in addition to pain made a home in my heart. I lived in fear of someone finding out, especially one of my peers. I trusted no one. I was crushed by the weight of the secret. I had no confidence. I hid behind sarcasm, and knew how to put on a good face. As the baby of my family, I often found myself in performance mode. I lived to make them laugh. I was laughing on the outside, but dying on the inside. Alone.
When I was about 18 years old, on the cusp of graduating high school, I worked up the courage to see a doctor. Even still, I didn’t tell my mother or father. I made up some mysterious ailment so that she’d take me to get an examination. Even after my doctor visit where my doctor referred me to a cosmetic surgeon, my mother still didn’t understand what was going on. She didn’t really ask. She trusted me. I was a good kid. I told mom and dad everything, except this. I had a couple of humiliating doctor’s visits. As I said before, I don’t take my clothes off. I hate naked people and I hate being naked. One doctor was kind but not covered by our insurance so she referred me to another doctor. The other doctor said to me during an examination “Do you date?”, which led me to weep uncontrollably as that statement just confirmed my worst fear: that no one could ever love me. For that reason and the fact he wanted to perform 3 surgeries on me over a 6 month period to correct my issue, I never saw that doctor again. The day I left that doctor’s office, I contemplated suicide. I thought there was no way I could live like this. I would never be able to have the life I wanted, or the kind of life I thought God wanted to give me. Death would be my way out. I came dangerously close to going through with taking my own life.
I went back to the first cosmetic surgeon who was very kind, and only wanted to do one procedure. As part of the surgery, she had to take photographs. I, again, cried the entire time. It was so humiliating. I felt bad because my doctor was incredibly kind and understanding. She asked me, “can I show these pictures to your mother?”. I gave her permission. Up until then, my mother still didn’t understand what was really happening. The doctor called her in after our visit, showed my mother the photos, and she threw her arms around me and wept with me. From that moment on, things were easier. Someone knew the truth I had hidden for so long. I didn’t have to tell her! I of course didn’t want to talk about it. It was enough for me that she knew the truth, I just didn’t want to discuss it with her or anyone. Now that someone knew, the secret had no more power over me.
I graduated that June. Surgery was scheduled for September. Something happened that summer. You see, there was this boy named David I was friends with. Actually, I was friends with his sister and just hung out with him by default, but we became good friends. There was a group of us from church who hung out all the time. Since it was summer, we were all out late. We had a blast. Our little group did all kinds of things together. We were on the worship band in youth group. We did ministry together during the summer at a skate park. We decided to plan a trip to Disneyland, and it was on that trip that I fell in love with David Conlee. We had our first kiss accidentally on Splash Mountain. It was on the airplane ride home from that trip where I believe God told us both that we were supposed to be together.
I got home from that trip and back to reality. I CANNOT have feelings for David or ANYONE! Wasn’t I meant to be alone? I prayed and asked God to show me what to do. In case you are ever in doubt about what to do with any difficult scenario in your life, do this: write down all your options on a piece of paper then choose the HARDEST option! It seems to me that the hardest thing is often what is the right thing.
So, after much prayer, I had a clear direction from God. I called David and we met at a park that was the half-way point between our homes. We sat on a park bench where I wept. I was barely able to squeak out the words that I was not normal, and couldn’t promise as to if I’d ever be normal. I told him about my upcoming surgery. He told me he didn’t care what I looked like and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He took me back to Disneyland a year later where he proposed to me with a bull horn on Main Street right before a parade in front of hundreds of people. David and I have been married almost 10 yrs now. I have experienced more joy than I ever thought was possible.
I’ve shared this with you so that you would know that you don’t have to be in pain any more. Sure, you don’t have the same scars as me. Some of you have been through some really difficult times and have dealt with the pain of abandonment, abuse & shame. Maybe a few of you are thinking right now “I’ve never been through anything that terrible” and to you I would say be thankful, pray for others and get ready because life is hard, and pain in one form or another is almost certain. Again, I’d like to refer to John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” I would like to share with you a verse that I discovered during this time in my life and it has become my life verse which is Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
You see, no matter where you are in life you need to know this: God loves you. He has a plan for your life. You have a hope and a future in Him. Your identity is in Him, not your pain. For me, pain shaped a lot of who I became until I gave it over to Jesus. Once I saw deformity as a curse, now I see it as something God trusted me with. He’s calling out to each of us today, He’s holding out his hand and in that is a promise for something more. More than you could ever imagine is waiting for you. He’s wants to take away your pain.
This is no longer my secret pain.




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